Our lovely little Angel
We lost our lovely little angel Anette at only 44 years of age. All of her life she was the healthiest person that I ever met. She always walked with confidence and had a glow about herself. The worst thing that ever happened to her medically speaking was that she became pregnant and bore a beautiful daughter Tanya. She kept herself physically fit at all times, ate healthy foods, did not smoke or have any vices. She was physically stunning to look at although all who met her would agree that she was spiritually very much like a child. She had a certain innocence, kindness and nature, so enduring and pure that it was almost impossible not to like her the second that you met her. Someone once described her as not having a mean bone in her body. Although she was shy by nature, she was honest and open and so very friendly that people found her to be irresistible. It has often been said that if you didn't like Anette YOU should analyze your inner self to find out what your problem is. AND I WAS BLIND.
I think back on the things that upset me about her during our life together and realize how wrong I was and how often I misinterpreted her feelings. How often I misunderstood things about her that made me angry. I think back on her fears and understand how easy it would have been to comfort her. She needed so very little and yet gave me so much to love.
The last few months of her life are the ones full of memories that haunt me the most. They are full of things she said and questions she asked that I now find deeply disturbing. Images of her... so real... that are burned into my mind and soul, deep into my heart, filling my subconscious with dread and keeping me awake at night deep into the morning hours. In retrospect I suppose, I should have known that the end was near. If I could have the last months to do over again I would accept at any price, and yet it can never be so. The pain of her loss is immeasurable and the regret is crushing.
- Ben
4 comments:
Dad, as you already know, I think you are being a little too harsh on yourself. But I know where you are coming from and I would be lying if I said that I didn't understand and that I couldn’t relate. I am right there with you about the images and you described it perfectly. I too have been struggling with images of her that are so real that they are burned into my mind and soul, deep into my heart, filling my subconscious with dread and keeping me awake at night deep into the morning hours. I see those images all the time. It seems impossible to move your focus on other things no matter how hard you try.
It is so challenging to wake up and get motivated in the mornings. Putting make up on when you're eyes are so swollen that your iris are barely visible or while you’re crying is not easy to do either. It definitely takes a whole lot longer than 3 days (what many companies give employees for bereavement) to plan a funeral, mourn, and get your bearings straight. The way I’m suffering right now, I don’t know if I ever will. Supposedly things get “easier” with time. I believe that entirely depends on the person. I’ve experienced not only my mother breathing her last breath, but also my best friend and sister all in the same breath.
Dearest Ben,
Grief brings many feelings. Regret is one of them. We all say and do things we regret, that’s what makes us human. We tend to think of all the negative things we said or did. We pray you are thinking of the positive things as well, and if you are, you will see there are many more positive than negative. Anette would be the first one to stand up for you, reassuring you that you were a loving, devoted, caring husband. Those of us who know you, remember how Anette called you “Babe” when she talked to you and we know how happy she was that she was married to you. Right now Anette is in a place where she is all-knowing and forgiving and peaceful. She is not suffering, but you are. Don’t beat yourself up, let your regrets go and remember how good you were to her and how you took care of her. The best thing you can do in Anette’s memory is to take care of yourself, as you know that is what she wants. She was blessed to have you and Tanya.
We all know it and she knew it, too. We love you. Roy and Kathy
Ben - the comfort that you will eventually find is when you can focus on nthe psotive meories of Anette, just like you have written. Anette should not be remembered for her suffering, she should be remembered for her inner and outer beauty - a woman who loved and embraced life, every single second of it. A woman who loved and embraced you, tabya, dave - all of us.
This is how I choose to remember her, and by doing so - this is how I love and honor her - and her memory - forever,
Werner
Helga Harris said: We shopped till we dropped and than went out to eat!! We confided in each other and laughed alot....I almost feel like my memories should be shared with you right now....We both were ..not childish..but childlike..:) so I understand the description perfectly..there were those who loved us and those who thought we were a bit different....but that was their problem..anyone who did not embrace her would have to be .........no...I will be good!!
maybe I will use the word...jealous........:) Our time on this earth passes by so quickly, and it is the people we touch that continue our legacy.....To Anette ...I love u my friend and angel....I will never forget you..we will meet again!
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